The way is love

Graphically real in a full monty kind of way

Accepting defeat, (not) hating myself and other annoying real life sh*t

I recently created a new website and yesterday I was trying to redirect it to a different domain name.

Usually I can do this without too much problem. But not yesterday. (I started doing this right before lunch, which was a bad idea. When I’m hungry, I’m not rational.)

I forwarded the wrong domains and then chose the wrong http:/ option, and well, I generally screwed it up.

And, I have this weird thing about calling support. I consider it a personal failure.

I know this is stupid and being really hard on myself, but I’ve always been like this.

When I’m trying to do something online or find something in a store or find a solution to a problem, I want to do it myself. And I expect way too much of myself sometimes. (I’ve been trying to ask for help more often, with greater or lesser success.)

When I realized I’d possibly lost my new website in all my tinkering, I started to panic. My heart started racing, I imagined myself having to redo it all over again, I was getting frantic.
Luckily GoDaddy has a restore option with five previously saved versions of my site. Bless them! I was able to restore the most recent version. Thank the Lord!

So my website wasn’t lost, but it was down. This wasn’t much better. In fact I felt very isolated and closed off. I was really shocked that it affected me so profoundly. I felt as if I’d be missing big opportunities because my website was offline FOR AN HOUR.

I finally accepted temporary defeat, went upstairs to have lunch and walk my poochie.

The whole time I was eating and walking I was so damned frustrated. My dog picked up on my angst and barked a lot. My frustration was making my world messy.

After the walk I went back to my website and tried one last time. No dice. I accepted defeat and called GoDaddy support.

The techie and I fixed my issue in about two minutes and my site was up within half an hour, but that didn’t stop my anger with myself.

I couldn’t concentrate anymore so I went to the mall to return a shirt at AE for my son. Then I went and had a coffee at Starbucks and a pecan tart (they’re SO good!). But even that didn’t help.

I tried to shop a bit for me, but I had a headache and felt blah. I just couldn’t get into it.

Despite the fact that I have suffered from depression, I am generally not frustrated or angry with myself anymore. I’ve spent years searching within myself and with my psychologist (bless her, she rocks!) and I am very content, in general. I have also taken classes in quantum healing and my Kundalini rose, which is a very healing experience, very profound.

But I was really pissed off with myself yesterday. It subsided after dinner and I distracted myself with a hot bath and Midsomer Murders (I love that show!), but my subconscious was not giving up.

I had a dream with my ex-husband in it where we were still together and I’d asked him to leave over and over and he just ignored me. There was this other man hanging on me wanting me to leave my husband and pissed off with me that I hadn’t, and two of my girlfriends were encouraging me to go away for a few days with them, I’m still not sure why.

In the whole dream I was just reacting to my life and not making any decisions.

And that’s why I was upset yesterday. I couldn’t solve my domain problem and that mirrored how I’ve felt about my life recently. I’ve felt adrift and recently had a talk with my father about all the things my ex did when we were together, and that kind of shook me up. I’d kind of forgotten what he’d done and talking about it dredged it all back up.

My ex was really nasty. He didn’t contribute financially after we got married putting a huge amount of pressure on me. He was verbally abusive with me, especially in the evening because he drank too much. He cheated on me, likely repeatedly and from the beginning. He refused to be affectionate when I needed it the most, especially during my breakdown. When I was upset and vulnerable he attacked me verbally, even right after my gallbladder surgery. He left me with a lot of debt. The list goes on and on.

He was really a nasty piece of lazy-assed work, and a first rate woman-hater.

So yesterday, temporarily, I fell back into hating myself just a little bit too. Because I did hate myself once. Well, actually for most of my life.

I really didn’t like the way that felt. I haven’t felt that way for over a year, and my dream reminded me not to be a passenger in my life, but the driver.

When I let other people decide for me, I’m f*cked. I don’t choose the right drivers.

So no more of that passenger sh*t. And thank you subconscious for waking me up again!
I love you, I really do!

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