The way is love

Graphically real in a full monty kind of way

Hiding in the bathroom–and raging too!

I wrote a blog called Pissy–Some days are just like this last week and two days after I wrote it got a urinary tract infection (UTI). Is that literal or what? A mind-body connection for sure!

I looked in Christiane Northrup’s amazing book Women’s Bodies, Women’s Wisdom and she said look back at what happened to you and where you were emotionally 24 to 48 hours before the onset of symptoms. And that was what I found. I was SO pissy that I literally became infected with it. A physical manifestation of my anger.

This is my body’s way of letting me know that something in my body is unbalanced. That my energy centres are off, and that I need to pay attention, hence the UTI.

This time it was only a mild one, so I caught it at its onset. This is good because in the past I’ve ignored my bodily wisdom and ended up with more serious UTIs where I feel really tired and crappy for a week even after I’ve taken the antibiotics.

Christiane says it’s often hidden, buried anger that can trigger recurrent UTIs. And that women who urinate frequently can be the victims of boundary violations in their childhood. These violations then of course can transfer into our adult relationships as well.

This is SO me. Even as a child I remember having to pee a lot. There was one instance where I was at my aunt’s house with my mother and I remember my aunt telling my mother she should take me to the doctor. Mom did and there was nothing physically wrong. Not yet, but the frequent urination was a symptom of how uncomfortable I felt with my aunt, and my mother for that matter, and likely the manifestation of my anxiety. In a similar way to Jenny Lawson, I was hiding in the bathroom, but I also needed to be there.

And when I read Let Pretend This Never Happened, I so got where Jenny was coming from when she said she spent a lot of time in the girl’s washroom at school. I often go to the washroom not only to pee, whether I need to or not (which is most of the time anyway), but to have a time-out from whatever work or social situation I’m in. It’s like hiding from the world, if only for a few minutes because people don’t usually bother you in the washroom (though women often go to the washroom together and chat, but that’s different–that’s bonding).

Christiane talks about all sorts of natural ways we can prevent UTIs and how to treat one if the symptoms come on without antibiotics. If I keep going to my doctor’s office she’ll send me for some nasty tests. I’ve already had the urine test for abnormal/cancerous cells and it came back negative so I know it’s not serious, yet. And I want to keep it that way.

I love Christiane for that because she links our emotional with our physical, and really how can we not? We are not only physical beings and our early life can affect our now. We may be involved in relationships that mirror the boundary violations of our childhood, or we may not be giving ourselves permission to be who we truly are for fear of being shunned by our families or spouses.

I don’t have a spouse anymore (thank the Lord above), but I have been finding writing this blog hard. I talk about my mother and wonder what she’ll think and do when she reads it, if she ever does. And I feel exposed sharing my vulnerabilities with you all. But at the same time it’s so freeing.

Sometimes I am still angry when I move through emotions from incidents in my childhood. I wonder, why me? And that can make me mad. No wonder, but I don’t want to be angry anymore. That’s what the UTI is all about because when I get angry I feel sorry for myself and I don’t want to feel like that anymore. And that makes me angry too. Vicious cycle.

I’m no longer the victim, I’m a woman and I don’t need to allow myself to be treated abusively to gain someone’s love–not anymore.

My body is learning that too. And I’m paying attention. Thank you, Christiane! You’re so wise!

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