The way is love

Graphically real in a full monty kind of way

Trying to look after my self today

Last Sunday I went to church for All Saints Day.

I’m a fairly recent church goer and I didn’t know what to expect from the service.

I had visions of the kids dressed up from trick-or-treating the night before.

There were many children at the service, but it was obvious to me by the minister’s demeanour that this was a serious affair.

It was a very emotional service with people lighting candles to honour loved ones who’d passed away during the previous year. There was a woman sitting in the pew in front of me who was weeping. I’m not sure who died in her family, but the sorrow was obviously still fresh.

It was a wonderful experience being in a scared space filled with people honouring all the saints they’d known who’d passed away.

As I sat crying myself I decided to lay to rest the damaged little girl inside of me. It felt like the right time to let her go for good.

This was a big, frightening step for me in my healing, and I am now mourning that little girl.

That little girl who just wanted her mother to love her for who she was, but never did.

I felt very quiet inside myself this week. I took extra time out of my days to drive by the water and do some of my favourite things. I still don’t find it easy to put my mental health as a priority. I felt guilty for taking that time, and my body decided to force me to. I got another urinary tract infection (UTI).

I feel so tired and have a low fever with it, and went to see the doctor for some antibiotics.

I still don’t feel well, but I took the day to be at home and do my laundry and bake and watch my favourite show Midsomer Murders on Netflix.

I wish I could say I didn’t feel guilty not doing the groceries or taking the dog for a walk. But I did, even though I know I can take a day or even two when I need to. The world won’t stop spinning and my household won’t fall apart.

I appreciate my body forcing me to stop and put myself first. I wish I didn’t have a UTI, but I did hear my self telling me I needed to take a break, and I didn’t give myself the permission.

I said I will at Christmas. Well, my body knew that was too far away.

I am learning to listen to my body, but it isn’t easy. I have to fight against all that programming that I’m supposed to be a machine. I’m not supposed to have feelings or need a break, or to honour who I am.

Well, I know where that got me last time, and it was much worse that the mild UTI I have now.

And so I’m going to continue taking the day for me. I might not be comfortable with it yet, but I’m hoping over time eventually I will be.

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