Asking forgiveness–It takes courage
When I was reading Byron Katie’s Loving What Is she talked about making peace with people in our lives. At the time, I didn’t think I had any unresolved relationships.
I was wrong.
It was only after I cleared my heart of people who hadn’t treated me well and didn’t deserve my love that I realized the first boy I ever really loved deserved an apology. Maybe once I’d cleared out all the heart junk, I was able to see more clearly the people I did love.
Over the last month I have had four or five dreams with him in them. They have been unusual because he has spoken to me, even embraced me in some of them, and I realized my heart was telling me it was time to say I was sorry. Maybe my heart was even helping me realize he would be receptive to the apology now.
And, I didn’t really know how to do that. Sending him a handwritten letter seemed too old fashioned. I didn’t have his phone number, so calling was out too. But I also didn’t want to put him on the spot by calling.
I opted for a virtual apology on Messenger instead. I don’t expect anything from him, though it would be great if he contacted me in some way. But I just really wanted him to know that I’d always loved him, despite a confusing situation that kind of messed us up.
I look back on it now and realized I was young, inexperienced and afraid. I didn’t know how to tell him how I felt or what had happened. And it has taken me all these years to have the courage to tell him the truth.
The overriding feeling I had was, I don’t want to go to the grave with this in me.
Now I’m not old, nor am I ill, but I had an overwhelming sense that to move forward this sorry must be said.
And I could look him in the eye now, for the first time in years, and feel okay with myself in his presence. I have no idea if I will ever see him again. I’d like to, but it’s not only up to me.
But I have learned very clearly that saying sorry takes courage. I’m glad I finally found enough of it to tell him the truth.