It is a gorgeous fall day and as I drove along the smooth water, the sky was reflecting off of the light waves making their way lazily to the shore. One of those days, where you feel that there’s lots of air to breathe, lots of sky to reach up towards and that dreams are easy and abundant.
I was having a conversation with an old boyfriend of mine on and off as I drove.
I must explain however that he is dead. He killed himself many, many years ago, but he comes to me and answers me, sometimes when I really wish he wouldn’t, still a smart ass!, but a wise one.
And there is something about love that can make you feel totally inept, broken open, vulnerable, innocent and fragile all at once. And my old boyfriend came to me, I think, because he knew I needed his guidance.
I see the irony of talking with an old boyfriend about a potential new one. Under any other circumstance I doubt I’d do it. But it isn’t as if my old boyfriend is going to come back to me now is he, so I think it’s pretty safe.
And I trust that somehow he knows what he’s talking about. Not only does he know me really well, but he also can see things and know things I cannot. I mean he is in heaven so I assume he’s privy to, well, more information than the average person. If you get what I mean. And he’s totally benevolent, that I know for sure.
So as I drove we talked. Me out loud and him in my head. And I came to really feel something that I hadn’t ever really gotten before.
I was feeling so vulnerable yesterday, love has a way of doing that, and I felt as if I had no control over it. And that made me feel so lost and unhinged. And I think it was at that point that my old boyfriend realized he needed to talk with me and give me the courage to see this love through.
I believed that the love was coming to me from outside of myself, and that was why I was feeling so vulnerable, and so out of control. But then as I drove, and as we talked, I suddenly got that the love was coming not from without but from within.
That I had attracted the love to me, not the other way around. And that means the love I attract is not finite. That it comes from within me being attracted from all around me, and as I said this out loud my old boyfriend said,
“Well of course, Jackie!”
“Well why didn’t you tell me this before?” Was my exasperated questioning response.
“Ah, but Jackie you had to come to the realization yourself.”
Yet another life lesson I had to learn myself. When does this learning ever end? Yeah, yeah. I know the answer to that too.
But I feel so incredibly freed by this life lesson because that means what has come to me I attracted. My energy brought me this love. And I can continue attracting love to me whenever I want to.
Maybe my old boyfriend learned this lesson after he died. I hope that’s how it happened. He was in enough agony to kill himself, I hope upon his death his soul was released and reassured. Because that is what he has helped me see. Helped me feel.
I now feel that I have the power within me to create the life filled with love that I want. I give my love out to the world and the world gives it back to me. How wonderful is that!?
And he has so totally reassured me. Because I felt as if I was coming undone.
My old boyfriend was always so good to me, and I feel so honoured that he’s helped me learn this most valuable lesson. Because without it I may have believed that I had no control over the love that comes to me.
That life was dictating how much love I could have, or not. And that was the scary part, the could not part.
But that’s just not the way it is. There is no lack of love out there. It’s not in short supply. Quite the opposite. It’s everywhere!
So if I could I would give my old boyfriend a big kiss for seeing this through with me and giving me the courage to face all the love I have within myself.
He always was so filled with love himself that it makes so much sense that it was him who taught me this incredible lesson.
I love you my old boyfriend, and I guess I brought you back to me too.
I’m really getting to like this love attraction thing.