Feeling free–It’s about beliefs
It’s one of those days where I feel as if something is changing drastically.
As if my world is moving very differently.
I sat writing this morning wondering what was going on around me. What could I feel so keenly?
And then I thought about it some more and realized that it was more likely something going on inside of me than outside of me.
I tend to attribute changes to my exterior world, at least at first, but I have learned with experience that in a lot of ways we create our own realities.
And I have been feeling very different inside myself for the last few months. I would say it began in September and hasn’t ceased since then.
Of course, the changes within me have happened gradually. Bit by bit parts of me have kind of woken up. The possibility for awareness was always there, but just hadn’t opened its eyes yet. My eyes are now open.
I have been dreaming a lot. And my last dream really made me think.
Dream: I was walking down a hallway with doors on either side and bright light coming from the end of the hallway in front of me. A woman was standing off to the side in one of the doorways and she told me to do something. I very quickly and decisively told her why I wouldn’t, that her request was unreasonable and holding my shoulders square and my back straight, I kept walking right past her without looking back, and walked into the light at the end of the hallway. The woman was shocked and watched me continue walking in disbelief.
I believe the woman was my old self.
I used to believe I wasn’t lovable. That I wasn’t worthy of other people’s love and respect. I don’t believe that anymore.
I used to believe I couldn’t support myself and my son. That I didn’t have what it took to look after myself and my son in this world. I don’t believe that anymore.
I used to believe that being in a relationship meant being treated as second and being disrespected. I no longer believe that anymore.
I used to believe that I had to sacrifice my own happiness for that of my parents. I no longer believe that anymore.
And though I have been coming to these realizations since I left home at 18, it has still taken me 27 years to fully learn these lessons by degrees.
Because I grew up in a household where I was taught I was inconvenient, a nuisance, a suck, less than in pretty much every way, I grew up believing I was unlovable.
And that trickled down into everything else I did. Even though I was a very good student, and was praised highly by my teachers, I never felt good enough. And even though I went on to get a good education, I still believed I couldn’t support myself and my son.
And because my relationship with one of my parents was abusive, I believed that being in a relationship included abuse. So I accepted being treated as second and disrespected.
And sacrificing who I was for my parents was part of the abusive cycle and also being an only child. So much pressure was put on me to look after things when I was far too young, in some ways my parents actually reversed the parent-child role with me.
It is only within the last year or two that I’ve learned to have fun and not take life so seriously. In other words, I’ve stopped being so goddamned hard on myself.
And I laugh a lot more and worry a lot less. And I believe in myself.
This is not a coincidence. We are so often harder on ourselves than anyone else. And take responsibility for others who really are not ours to carry on our shoulders at all.
But I have learned that some people are lazy. Becoming, growing, changing is a lot of hard work, and most people simply don’t want to do it. So they latch onto someone else who they expect to do it for them.
I have been that someone. And when they weren’t happy with their lives, who do you think they blamed? Me. So much easier to blame me than for them to actually grow up and take responsibility for themselves.
But that woman walking down that hallway towards the light was refusing to carry anyone else any longer. I believe that was the look of shock and disbelief on the other woman’s face.
I used to think that if I didn’t carry people no one would love me. I no longer believe that any more.
And no wonder my world looks and feels different. Carrying those false beliefs around must have been a heavy load, and must have obscured my view of my world too.
If my world looks different, I believe that’s a good thing. I am finally seeing myself for who I really am, not who others have wanted, needed or expected me to be.
I feel free. Now I think I’ll go dance and giggle some more.