Freeing the victim within–In that there’s power
It’s a mindset.
Not one we choose, exactly. Well, not one I chose.
For me it came from abuse. Emotional and sexual.
It became programming really. How can a four year old know a way out? Especially an emotional one? The physical one was unavailable. I was cornered, trapped, naked–literally.
The disconnect happens in the mind. You think, how can I deserve this? But I must, it’s happening. Maybe I’m a bad girl. I must be because it’s happening.
And so it continues. Round and round. Keeping you awake at night wondering. Maybe I’m too much. Or not enough. Round and round.
The beginning of madness.
And when they look at my body, why must they touch it? It feels wrong. The attention seems like a secret. Don’t tell anyone. Never tell. I’m your friend. If you want to stay my friend you will never tell. I do, and I don’t.
How can I be sexy when I’m four?
Someone, please help me.
And so it goes. Round and round.
And that four year old grows up.
And she’s beautiful and smart and intuitive and thoughtful–and broken inside.
She’s also reckless. Driven. Filled with rage. Anorexic.
The woman from the girl.
But she wants to be loved. Not like when she was young. She wants to be loved well.
Not chastised, used, manipulated, inappropriately touched. No, she wants gentle kindness, but doesn’t know where to find it.
What does it look like? What does it feel like?
Marriages come, and go. They’re broken too.
Where does it come from, this gentleness? Where can I find it?
Then one day it comes. After the breakdown. After the admission of madness, it comes.
It comes from where I never thought to look before, within.
And the sun begins to shine. For the first time.
The pain came from without, but the healing comes from within.
The love comes from within.
And so ends the victim within the girl.
Because with light comes truth, not shame.
What happened to me is not me.
Who I am inside, makes me.
And I choose power. I forgive myself for not being loved well.
And I choose instead to be full from within.
And miraculously the madness evaporates with the warmth of the sun.
No more dark corners. No more harsh words. No more locked doors. No more forced open legs.
The girl within the woman is freed.
So the woman within the girl claims her power.
And that is freedom.