My ego played on my deepest fears: Gratefulness project day 17
The two months I lived on my own, I had lots of time to think about how I truly wanted to live my life.
At first, I really believed I wanted to live alone. The idea of having my own space without ever being interrupted or called upon seemed like pure bliss. However, the novelty of that wore off really quickly.
When I started to feel as if I were at the spa, I sensed something temporary.
Yes, I had my cat to keep me company, and yes I had my dog, but because I work from home I became more and more aware that I really do like living with other people. I started to feel as if no one would notice if something happened to me. Well, only my dog because she needed to go out a few times a day, but no people would notice my absence from the world.
Of course that’s not really true, but the feeling made me stop and think.
And then when my dog could not tolerate the apartment and I sent her to live with my dad, I realized I just didn’t want to do it. For all my wishing that I had my own space, the novelty had completely worn off after just two months.
I could not have foreseen my dog’s reaction to the apartment of course, but my plan had been to move in with my fiance and his kids. So it’s not such a big surprise living alone didn’t suit me. That, after all, had not been my goal.
After doing a lot of thinking and reading, I have realized it was my ego convincing me I wanted to live alone. It followed the fear I felt when I’d had a particularly upsetting argument with my fiance. That argument triggered some old feelings in me and I have realized I projected old scenarios onto that argument. My ego came out in full force and caused me to run, believing I HAD TO GET AWAY.
That old fight or flight reaction.
I’m actually quite proud of myself for seeing that I did project onto the situation and my fiance. It often happens quite unconsciously, which it did, but I may never have realized it, but I have.
So, fast forward to now where I see that I was deep in my ego, I can also see what I want all the more clearly.
And that is definitely not living alone.
Our egos can be so persuasive, calling out all our old fears to the forefront.
And that’s definitely what happened to me.
But, I also didn’t believe I could handle myself. I didn’t have faith in my own strength or power to look after myself, so my ego had fertile ground to send me running.
I no longer believe the lies my ego was reinforcing.
I know I can look after myself, I have before and I can now.
I also know I’m strong too.
I had the courage to set out on my own and look after things until I realized what I truly wanted and needed in my life.
It was my journey back to myself, I guess I can say.
And I have realized that it’s not where I am but who I’m with that makes all the difference to me.
I am attached to the people, not where I am, and where I once thought it was the move itself that scared me it was not.
I’m very happy it only took me two months to realize all this. I could’ve lived the rest of my life believing my ego over and over again.
But I will not.
I know my ego is there trying to tear me down, especially when I feel vulnerable. But I am learning to look within and really feel how things truly feel inside of me. When I do that my ego dissolves.
And so I know who I love and why, and I am finding my way back to them step by step.
From the series, Because I’m a woman and because I can! by Jacqueline Snider, writer and editor
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